Star Wars Real Estate
- Luke Evans
- Dec 7, 2020
- 4 min read
Updated: Jul 23, 2021
My daughters and I were playing “Star Wars Monopoly” this morning and it occurred to me that Monopoly is a Real Estate Game. This nearly exploded my brain with happiness. Star Wars Real Estate? Outstanding.
KASHYYK
Welcome to sunny Kashyyk. So, you are looking at this property? Oh yes, prime real estate here. Right next to the beautiful lake, here, look at that. So nice. I believe some of the locals run a sort of extreme speed boat racing business. They can be seen tearing about the lakes from time to time, very exciting stuff. And the property backs on to this beautiful forest here, so lovely and wild. The main house itself is built in the traditional Kashyyyk manner, lots of levels up in the trees here, a wonderful viewing platform of both the lake and the jungle. It has 360-degree views, yes. Umm, disadvantages…? Well… I mean, the plumbing needs a bit of work and the toilet is currently more of an outhouse… And… look, full disclosure, I have to tell you this… There’s… well, there’s Wookies in the jungle behind the house. Wookies? Oh… well, do you know Ewoks? Yes? Great! Well, Wookies…. Wookies aren’t Ewoks… They’re sort of like Ewoks, but everything is bigger. Temper, teeth, more hair… They have been known to threaten to tear people’s arms off. Soooo… Basically, a monster. Sorry? Oh, probably 8 foot tall, yeah, 7 or 8… yeah… Huh? No, not in the backyard, as such, but see that jungle there… Yeah… they’re in there…
Pic: Findyourforces.com
KAMINO
Pic: Kamino - Wookiepedia
Kamino? What can I say about Kamino? Hmm… well, great ocean views, for one thing…
TATOOINE
Tatooine… what can I say? Tatooine’s pretty crap, if I’m honest. You don’t want to live here. Yeah, I know I’m supposed to be selling it, but I… I just can’t. Neighbours? The natives are horrible. The offworlders are horrible. The wildlife is even worse. Sand gets in everything… Two suns is too many... So, so bright... Get out while you can…
Pic: Comicsyears.com
GEONOSIS
Pic: Geonosis-Wookiepedia
Geonosis… Ah, okay, well, if you are keen on minimising your environmental footprint, all of the structures here are built straight into the rocks. You don’t have to worry about looking after the trees… Why? Well, there aren’t any. Yeah, nothing grows here. Problem solved! Just one thing I need to tell you… yeah, full disclosure, it’s a requirement of the Empirical Government… Well, the thing is, there’s sort of a… well, an infestation of giant bugs in all the houses… Yeah… well, when I say giant, I mean, they’re bigger then the bugs in other places. Not Wookie-sized or anything. Biggest one I saw was probably 5 foot tall, so… yeah. Umm, they fly too, though. And most of them have these weird soundwave blasters, y’know: “Whoop, whoop, whoop!”… And they talk. I don’t understand them, but they’re… Yeah… They’re… they’re really mean…
Exterminators available, see below for details...
ALDERAAN
Pic: Starwars.com
Welcome to Alderaan, where… where… where is it? I’m sure I left it around here somewhere…oh… ...Crap…
Pic: Makingstarwars.net
HOTH
Pic: Hoth-Wookiepedia
Hoth is a winter wonderland! So beautiful! Every day is a snow day! Just stay out of the caves, okay? And I just, well, I just have to let you know… don’t stay out too late sledding or having snowball fights, because… you will freeze to death… Okay? But it’s a great spot! Moving on!
Pic: Fandom
DAGOBAH
You like warm weather? Dagobah might be the place for you. Yes, I can see that the houses are quite small and some would say cramped, but these micro-houses are all the rage at the moment. It’s supposed to minimise your environmental impact. All houses here are built to a strict code and they have to blend in to the local surroundings, so it’s all ground level, natural building materials, kind of built into the natural environment and not set apart or…cleared… The world is your backyard! Hmm? Oh, yes, some would say humid, yes, quite humid. I like the word tropical, but, you know, some people focus more on the… the swamps… Well, there’s water views! Lot’s of water! Sometimes it gets quite foggy with all the humidity and the… well, the swamp vapours… but lots of water. Huh? No, not drinkable. I wouldn’t swim in it either, safety first. There’s swamp… things… in there. I don’t know precisely… you know… sort of… ominous tentacles, dark, moving shapes… that sort of thing…What are they attached to? Not sure, exactly. Most people that get close enough to know the answer don’t… you know… survive, as such… But, er, do you like wildlife? Do you like trees? Wildlife that looks like trees? Heaps of living things here! Dagobah might be the place for you, after all!
Pic: Starwars.com
CORUSCANT
Coruscant… Have you ever been to a big city? Did you like it? No? Uh… then you better look somewhere else… It’s basically one, big, planet-wide city. The traffic is horrible…
* * * *
Now... Just imagine that it was spoken with someone who has an accent like Korg from "Thor: Ragnarok"... no reason... it just seems funnier to me...
NOTE: The pictures used here have been sourced from different internet sites, always linked to under the picture. All rights remain with the original creators and have been used here for entertainment and educational purposes only.
Comentários